Today I feel like Will Farrell in Anchor Man “I’m stuck in a glass case of emotions!” So many feelings, emotions, aches, pains, things to do, things I want to, things I wish to do….just all the things. Being type A and going in order has always helped so that’s how we will approach this recap.
When I had my PET scan done back on the 8th they saw an inflamed lymph node on my left axilla. This was the same side I had my COVID vaccine on. The whole medical team agreed it was likely caused by the vaccine but because it was there I earned myself two more scans, a CT and MRI, both with contrast. On Wednesday I went to that.
Time for a Science Lesson!
There wasn’t much to that for me to do. Just shut up, lay still, and enjoy the ride in an out of the hallow circle tube. A CT (or Computed tomography) is a quick scan, a minute or so per picture, that utilizes x-rays to produce pictures of my insides. It doesn’t make much noise, is quick, and if you don’t have contrast dye painless. Alas, I did have contrast for my CT to help light up any cancer areas. The contrast for CT gives a warm flush feeling like you peed yourself. They say “peed yourself,” but for me it was a quite warm feeling, like how WW2 soldiers described STDs in their letters home during the war, on fire and painful. Luckily that passes within 30 seconds, as the contrast works its way through the blood stream. Even luckier, a CT can be read pretty quickly by the radiologist so we already know there is no extra cancer floating around in there, just localized to my right breast and lymph nodes!!!! HURRAY!!!
The MRI Experience
MRI on the other hand is a longer scan that utilizes radio and magnetic waves to produce a very detailed picture of all the anatomy of the area being viewed. For me this was my breasts. The MRI was done to get really detailed pictures of my breasts because this cancer doesn’t produce a typical solid tumor but rather a diffuse random crazy cancer that does what it wants where it wants. The MRI will give very detailed pictures so hopefully they can figure out some margins and track my progress better.
For the MRI I laid on my stomach and my boobs had a little hollowed out area that they hung in, much like the hole for your head on a massage table. Unlike a massage an MRI is not relaxing. The MRI is a very loud procedure while the pictures are being taken. The images take anywhere from a minute to fifteen to take. The tech would give me a minute or two of respite between each picture and also gave me headphones to listen to music but I could hardly hear the music it was so loud. Just a constant rhythmic clanging/booming sound while the machine took the pictures. I felt like I was at a shitty electronic dance music festival waiting for the beat to drop. Overall it wasn’t a terrible experience, just something new that I can cross off the bucket list. I work hard at storing these experiences in my memory for when I’m back to work so I can be more empathic towards my patients and explain things better. When I focus on learning it makes it all easier to do.
Like I said before a lot of emotions and feelings have started to come up. It all still feels so surreal and I keep expecting to be sat down and told, “Just kidding! we had it all wrong! Silly COVID vaccine!” but my inverted nipple reminds me of reality and the journey ahead.
Reminding Myself to Accept
That silly little nipple reminds me of one of the things I am learning on this journey….listen to my body. Being a nurse and having endometriosis there were often times when I was still working that I had to ignore hunger, urges to pee, sleep deprivation, or terrible pains so I could care for a patient. Now with cancer everything is slowed waaaaayyyy down. I’m learning to hear, understand, and accept my body where I’m at. It’s almost a luxury to really just listen and connect with my body.
I already see my sister Anne eyes rolling at my hippie mumbo jumbo but I swear its true! And listen here Anne, sometimes what my body is saying, (okay alot of the time right now what my body is saying), I don’t like but I accept it and lean into it. Like that fact I’ve learned mornings are better for me. If I wake up an hour or so earlier than I need to I can sit in the quite and get a few things done; like blogging, insurance forms, budgets, organizing all my binders, but after that I shouldn’t set in stone anything I really want done that day or it might not get done. I think since my cancer is in my lymphs and chest when I do too much with my hands or arms it can really make my boob and axilla sore because the cancer is taking up room that the muscles would normally have but that’s just a Julia theory and not science. Rumor (okay dr. wells) says that the chemo might actually help with the pain as it shrinks the cancer so maybe I’ll get lucky and get more done and my theory is correct. Time will tell.
Pre-Cancer Plans
I keep going back to getting more done because I had big plans pre-cancer after my contract in Atlantic was done. I was going to take six to eight weeks off work and get a whole laundry list of things done at home and help out my dad. I was calling it Spring break. Every week I’d add something to the spring break list that I needed or wanted to get done. This week is when spring break would have started so it has hit me hard that I simply can’t do it all and have to focus on healing, surviving, and simply staying alive.
It’s all about finding balance and giving myself grace. Sometimes an insurance form, laundry, cleaning, or budget can wait and what I need instead is me time and that’s okay too. It’s all about slowing down and listening to my body, eye rolls from my loving amazing sister and all.
I’m happy you are listening to your body and giving it a break. I am proud of you!
Since I have recently gone through four MRI’s in the last few months I can understand how you feel about that. The other tests that I had to do actually were rather simple. Although I did poorly on them. Such is life.
Thankfully I am done with tests now. I do have to do some more tests in six months but that is down the road.
Any way let me know if you do need something from for bidden list I have people who can provide that.
Other than that make sure you keep your sense of humor and enjoy the little things.
Beautiful writing and expressing yourself. Educational too!
Beautifully told, my dear grand.
If you remember, I suggested that you to be kind to yourself. It’s important, but perhaps difficult, to find a balance for high energy persons between saying, “This isn’t going to stop me from….” and being kind to one’s psyche. Although the above is a great attitude, it can interfere with emotional health. One must deal with the cards that been dealt. Life isn’t always fair; bad things do happen to good people. You’ve been dealt some pretty tough cards, and you need to deal with them. You need to allow yourself to heal both physically and emotionally. Your oncologist will lead your physical healing, but you must take the lead in your emotional healing. You are doing so by writing this blog and building a group to surround you and buffer you, but there will be times when you simply need to acknowledge the emotional trauma. I told you about the “fowl” incident, but I didn’t tell about the tears. I didn’t tell you about looking at my naked post surgery chest and saying, “Yep, pretty ugly.” I stared at it for minute and then said, “Oh well.” What I’m saying is “ Acknowledge the ugliness and fairness, and then move on. I think you are doing so, but remember, you don’t always have to keep a strong upper lip!
I knew had more to say. I substitute taught after a few times in my life. One assignment was frequent and very regular and so I got to know the kids by name.Dena didn’t like me and complained about me to an administrator. I talked with the administrator and asked how I could better work with Dena. He gave me the same advice that he gave her: “look for the circle in the square”. Tweaking that advice, I say to you”, “ visualize. Think of that ratta-tat-tat of that MRI finding those cancer cells and blasting those cancer cells with magnetic resonance, marking them for chemical bombardment! Gen you pee after chemo treatment, take pleasure in flushing those dead cancer cells down the toilet. I told a friend of mine to view the weeds in her garden as cancer cells and yank them out, and throw them into a bucket. She later told me that she had the cleanest garden ever that year! She’s been cancer. Free for close to 20 years!
Instead of viewing a beige cancer/infusion room, look for the warm blankets, listen for the friendly voices if the nurses as they greet their patients, watch their faces as they intently listen to questions and concerns. talk with them about fear and discomforts and hear their compassion. Look into their eyes and see their compassion. Picture your family and friends standing beside you, behind you; survivors in front of you—all forming a cocoon around you, walking with you, supporting you, enveloping you, and ready to do battle for and with you,
Coleen
I love that you say this!! Check out this YouTube meditation I have used for the last few months, even before cancer! It talks about a light surrounding you. I visualized that light during the MRI! Reminds me of what you’re saying! I love that mind set by the way!
https://youtu.be/i50ZAs7v9es