Monday was a busy day of appointments. It started with an ultrasound to check on my ovaries. Part of being BRCA2 positive means I am at an increased risk of ovarian cancer. Because of this, when I get my mastectomy I will also have my ovaries removed to negate that risk. To be able to have the surgery to remove my ovaries, they like to know what they are up against so ultrasound it was. Then pre-surgical lab work to ensure no surprises like messed up electrolytes or blood counts that could make things more difficult.
After all the testing was done we headed to Dr. Newtson to meet her and do her pre-surgical appointment. Nothing exciting came from that visit. She was nice and seemed competent and thorough even to do the ovary removal portion of my surgery.
After spending the morning at the Med Center, we headed to Methodist in the afternoon to meet the radiation doctor. While I always love everyone’s attitudes and the ease of parking and navigating the facility, Methodist radiation is not where I will be seeking radiation. Dr. Wahl at the Med Center seemed more up to date on inflammatory breast cancer. He displayed an understanding of just how important radiation is in the treatment of IBC which made me feel more comfortable with him as a provider. I have full confidence in Methodist for more common cancers, but being I have an extremely rare cancer I want to go where I feel the doctor is most up to date on the latest in regards to it.
That decision made, I headed into today and went to the Inner Beauty Boutique at Methodist to explore post mastectomy bras/fake boobs. They helped prepare me by showing me all the options I’ll have in the future. It is nice to have that knowledge and know they will be there when I am done with treatment and healed up.
Having that knowledge has not made this any easier. In fact, it may have made it more real and I came home with all the emotions and big sads. I never thought this would affect me like this. I cried and cried. I don’t want to be without my breasts for two years. I have zero desire to be flat with nothing there. Originally when I thought I would be flat forever, I had planned on getting beautiful tattoos to look at and looked forward to that. I can’t really do that if I’m doing reconstruction in two years. The other day I came up with the idea to have henna done every couple of weeks to help me cope, which I am glad I came up with, but I’m still sad.
And that’s okay. I have to feel these things. I have to work through them and process them. It sucks. It’s not fair. I get mad. I get sad. Honestly I just sit with the feelings either until they pass or I come up with some brilliant idea like henna. Like I said it sucks, but it’s what has to happen to heal emotionally from all of this.
Today’s brilliant idea that brought me a few hours of relief was making a TikTock video I can duet when I get home from surgery. For those not familiar, a duet is when you have the original video playing and you record your reaction to it. I came up with the idea to make a duet video, because women who are pregnant create motivational videos for themselves to duet when they are in labor. I figured I’ll probably need one when I get home and see my flat chest for the first time. So please enjoy my tick tock below warriors. Just one more week until surgery!
Sad with you, Julia. Legitimate feelings—sad, mad, discouraged, unfairness, scared, overwhelmed, and more. Walking with with you…admiring you…sharing and caring for your feelings. Coleen
Really enjoyed your tick tock. My grand, the woman of many looks.
Keep in mind your feelings are total normal. I wouldn’t expect anything less than to feel less of a person or who you are without all your “womanly” parts, but you have been blessed with two things- the will of the most determined, hard minded person I know, and a big army of support people. You grieve, but know, we are all here for you, we’re walking with you, and love you. P.S. I love your henna idea!
It’s amazing to read your blogs, the emotions are real & you are a trooper. Life hits us with unexpected surprises BUT God does not give you what you cannot handle. There is a reason he chose you. We rarely understand it but from my experience, I’ve learned to remain humble. From transplant, breast cancer, skin cancer, rheumatoid arthritis… 14 fractures from auto collision, it’s a lot to reflect on.
You have internal strength, endless friends & support to carry you through this. I did not.
As time goes by, you will reflect on this journey.
My experience has made me a better person in so many ways.
You will only understand this message down the road.
Until then, keep the faith, love you & march forward my friend. YOU CAN & ARE GOING TO CONQUER. You are loved by many & there is no RX for that.
Hey, it is more important to have you around and your personality than some parts. I am sure your hubby feels the same.
Julia you have got this … never had boobs… even nursing! But I understand your pain.
Our heart goes out to you and know that your feelings are normal going through this difficult time. Just remember, Julia, our love for you will continue to grow.