COVID 2.0

A little disclaimer that this post is a little deep/dark. It has talks of suicide, COVID, and medical trauma so make sure you’re up for it before reading. And it’s okay if your mental state isn’t able to handle that now, or ever. You don’t have to read everything.

Hi warriors,

About two weeks ago I started to feel a little under the weather. After testing negative for COVID multiple times I tried my best to push through, living what I thought was my current motto and motivator: “Do it anyway.” In my mind this meant to do things even with whatever else is going on. Find ways to do what I love to do and what I need to do, even on days I don’t feel up to it. I’m not sure if this motto is wise… I’m actually not too sure about anything lately, but more on that later.

While I wasn’t feeling well, I was testing negative for COVID. We had reservations to stay the night in Grand island on Friday so we could go to the State Fair and watch my sister’s kids compete in speech, math, and history boards. We loaded up and had a fabulous time watching the kids take home First place medals all around in multiple categories and events. I buddied up with my nephew John and we spent the day reliving my youth and healing some past wounds by having all the fun there could be. I was “Doing it anyway.” Even though I didn’t feel the best, even though it was a lot of money spent, even though we didn’t get my beloved funnel cake, I did it all anyway. Gaslighting myself into believing I was healthy and could do it all. 

COVID + 

Sunday morning I woke up feeling even worse, but assumed it was because I overdid it at the Fair. I went ahead and tested one more time, just to give myself peace of mind that this continued to be a simple cold and nothing more. I had quite the unexpected surprise as the test turned positive for COVID for the second time since COVID began in 2020 (almost exactly a year since my first COVID experience). After I let the initial shock wear off, I made the necessary phone calls and changed plans; it was the worst and I felt like the biggest asshole. You’d think after going through the biggest unexpected (cancer), I’d be used to getting (and giving) bad news, but it never gets easier. 

Besides the obvious of having to call off work for a whole week, Oliver and I were supposed to have his last therapy dog training on Monday. I had multiple training sessions planned at the gym. Our dear friends were coming into town from Colorado and I had to reassess how that would look. But worst of all I had to cancel a cancer camp with True North Treks, because I couldn’t live with the idea of getting fellow cancer patients sick. Plus, I knew deep down inside that traveling and tons of physical activity so close to a COVID diagnosis just wouldn’t work out well. 

I was so depressed. Even though logically, I knew I did everything I could and was acting responsibly, both pre- and post-covid, I still felt wildly responsible for realities and situations that didn’t even exist. What if I had stayed home instead of going to the Fair? What if I had just worn a mask at the Fair? Did I have COVID before I went to the Fair or did I pick it up there? Should I cancel my trip even though I’ll be on the last day of the 10-day contagious window on the day of travel? When should I try to go back to the gym? Should I wear a mask around my friends? Should I even see my friends coming to town? Am I giving anyone else COVID if I wear a mask? Do I have to wear a mask outside too? I was stuck in the land of what’s ifs, how did this happen, and shoulds. A terrible unhealthy land to live in. 

Delirium

While wrestling with constant thoughts of unworthiness and depression, a wild delirium also entered the chat and took hold pretty quickly. Like cancer, the mental effects of COVID are rarely spoken. Delerium, depression, thoughts of suicide, brain fog, are all symptoms of COVID. A paramedic once told me he had never been suicidal a day in his life, but during his COVID quarantine he literally had a gun to his head, ready to end it all, all because a virus had taken residence in his head. 

Luckily, I wasn’t suicidal, but I did have delirium. Delirium is so hard for me to put into words. Personally, I felt in a haze—like I was underwater, floating along in the world that was moving above and around me, while I watched it all go by. I had no control and was watching a movie of my life going on while I just sat back screaming at the screen. I desperately wanted the situation to be different and it may have been if the main character (me) just made better choices! I felt like I was watching The Hills circa late 2000s, when Lauren turned down Paris for Jason. But I wasn’t Lauren turning down a dream job for a man. I was a very sick Julia who was deep in COVID delirium. 

During those first few days, I couldn’t do much more than switch positions from the bed to the sofa to the hammock, aimlessly scrolling on social media or reading a book, until the delirium took over again and I was back underwater, viewing the world rather than participating in it. I was worried this was my new normal and I’d never be able to be an active participant in my life ever again. It was a completely terrifying world to live in and looking back now I wonder if this is a bit of medical PTSD or trauma that’s unresolved. Or could it be that I really was extremely ill? I’m honestly not sure. 

Reassess

Luckily, after a few days of altered sense of reality and self, I started to feel the fog lift by Wednesday. Now I’m taking a step back and surveying the physical damage left by COVID. My lung capacity, energy, memory and patience all took a major hit that I’m trying to restore while being conscious of others around me, and to not spread COVID even more. It’s hard and I worry a mask isn’t enough. I’m trusting that science is real and attempting to live in this precious precise moment, looking at the facts of matters and not making up stories in my head.

It’s really hard to live in the moment, though, and I feel like COVID really jacked with my sense of self. What are my values and am I living them? I don’t know if I know anymore. Am I just chasing the next high or burst of joy, or am I really being true to myself? Is this reality or am I just jumbled up and confused? Do I really have any control in this thing called life or should I just sit back and allow it to happen around me? Maybe the mental effects of COVID haven’t totally lifted yet, or maybe I’m having some sort of spiritual awakening. Like I said when we began…. I’m just not sure of anything anymore. 

SANDY

That unsure feeling includes our dear friend and random swelling named Sandy. If you remember from my previous post, she’s still there. Still painful sometimes and keeps me up occasionally. She might be a little smaller, but I’m not sure. She tends to kind of eb and flow, like my mental state. 

I did end up doing all the blood work I mentioned in the last post and everything came back normal. I’m not sure how much solace I take in test results being normal when they aren’t standard of care because of their unrelatability, but it’s the best I have for now. I’ll follow up with Dr. Wells in a few weeks, and then with Santamaria and Figy in mid October. If nothing changes between now and then I’m going to continue to try and do my best to just live with Sandy and mostly ignore her. I’m not sure what else to do. Sandy just is. Like life, she will continue to perplex us all I guess. And just like life, if Sandy’s stable, then I’ll try to be too. Maybe that’s the takeaway from all of this. If life and things are stable, I can be too. I can simply participate and show up, like Sandy? I don’t know. It’s hard to know and believe that anything can be stable after cancer or COVID. Trauma is a wicked witch. 

That’s about all I know for now. It’s pretty deep and a bit dark. Loaded with medical PTSD and in desperate need of some therapy. I hate leaving on what feels like an unfinished or negative note, so please enjoy these photos from my random happenings the last few weeks. Sandy and I are out and off to attempt a magical day.