Working the ER and a super critical patient comes in; there’s people everywhere. Hopefully it’s a calm chaos with everyone acting simultaneously to get lines, drains, tubes, everything hooked up to keep the patient alive. It’s magical when it goes smoothly. A well-oiled machine that leaves me feeling accomplished and impressed. We do just enough to get the patient to still be alive. Half the time we don’t know what’s causing their bodies to be pissed off, we’re just trying to patch it right then and there. Then they go off to ICU land to be fixed and we’re never thought of again.
I like it that way. The ICU is responsible for solving why the patient almost died; the underlying condition. And I’m free to go back to my regular Ol’ Joe Smoo gout or kidney stone, feeling accomplished and like I matter.
But sometimes they don’t have room on the ICU and we have to hold onto the patient longer than I ever like. I have always hated that waiting time. Anything can go wrong in that time. Stable one minute and not the next. Stops responding to meds. Being maxed out on all the drips. I’ve never liked those times. It’s scary and unstable. Too many unknowns and we can’t fix the problem that’s caused the patient to be so ill so quickly. It takes time….like cancer.
From a Well-Oiled Machine…
When I was first diagnosed, it was a well-oiled machine. One appointment led to the next. It was methodical and made sense. Now I’m fighting with insurance and learning all my unknowns. Attempting to fix the underlying problem. Which is boring. It takes time. It takes patience. I just want my life of living for a code back and not all this waiting.
To… Waiting
Waiting to see what will happen with insurance. Waiting to see how my body will respond to this med, which can take days after it’s given to take effect. Waiting to see if I’ll feel better or worse today. Waiting to see what side effects I’ll have. Waiting to see what my blood counts are. Waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting.
It’s a Tough Day
It’s hard. It’s disheartening. If I didn’t have you, dear warriors, I don’t know if I could do this. Your kind words, thoughts, presents, presences; all of it keeps me going. It’s a hard, scary new world I’m navigating and I hate it today.
I don’t want to call insurance companies. I don’t want to feel like I’m gonna puke. I don’t want another bloody nose. I don’t want to sit and wonder what the next treatment is going to be like. How I’ll feel then. Will my next cycle be worse? What about the next chemo? Will it be easier? What about the mastectomy? And the radiation? I just want it done and quickly, like in the ER. But instead I’m stuck waiting. Just waiting, waiting, waiting.
And That’s Okay
And that just has to be okay to hate it today. To not deal with any of it. To just catch up on my shows and relax. To just pretend for one minute I’m okay. To lean on you all to pick me up and comfort me through this. Remind me I can do it and I’m strong. It may not be the most magical day today, but tomorrow can be. Be well, my warriors.
Today’s storm will bring a magical day tomorrow. We are all in this with you. We worry, we hurt, we care, we cry. We also triumph with you when things do go well, even for a moment.
We have you. We will continue to have you, no matter what.
Our love for you has brought an entire nation of warriors together to see this through!!
Thank you babe. You’ve been amazing.
Some days just suck, my love! Your feelings are valid…and honestly, this gloomy weather probably is not helping.
Catch up on Buying Hawaii, cuddle those puppies, take a bath, listen to some jams and eat a piece of cake! <3
Be sure to love your body, even if you are mad at it or don’t like it right now. Some ways I like to love my body are: Hydrate, Moisturize, Cooking and eating colorful food, aromatherapy (light those candles girl!), crying, resting, moving around. You are strong and fierce and I am here for YOU! <3
Love you!!! Thank you! I did go out and get all the dogs (neighbors too) and just got through it
I agree with Katrina’s caring and compassionate message to you. You and your friends and family have formed a tight knit community with you as the hub. You work the hardest but the community surrounds you and buffers you from the world. Still you hurt and are angry and frustrated, anxious and frightened—and just downright sick. Platitudes don’t help. We can only cushion you and remind you that we hurt for you and the unfairness of what life has given you. Your support will not go away. We will have your back when times are tough. Do you know the “Footprints” parable? Allow yourself to be angry, despondant, hateful at times; don’t feel guilty about it. We’ll carry you,)
Said perfectly like always Coleen. I can’t wait until it’s nice again and we can bring the dogs out for a walk to meet you.
You are on a journey, just starting that journey. Give it time to work the kinks out.
❤️❤️❤️
Wow, Julie, that is so sad. Hold each other tight and realize that this is a terrible unexpected journey that will bring you closer. I have been through a little of what you are going through but nothing to your extent. Let people help you. They want to. I don’t know you personally, Julie but if you want to talk to someone I am here for you. We are friends of Doug and Kim and know Mitch. Kim has my number. And I don’t know what to say. Take time for hope and remember that your family and friends love you and will help you through this time. Our thoughts and prayers. Really. MJ
Thank you so. My inlaws are so lucky to have so many friends supporting them too. It’s hard on the whole family not just us but it makes it easier knowing they have friends to turn to as well.
The Guy in the Bible most known for patience is probably Job. I can explain, in just one day, he lost all his kids and his wealth. He got a horrible disease that gave him so many sores all over that even his friends didn’t recognize him. When he laments to his (nagging) wife, she suggests cursing God and to just give up and die already. If that wasn’t bad enough, his friends falsely accused him of wrongdoing and blamed his troubles on his unrepentant heart. Who cares about Job, I’m Julia! Yes I know…here’s the connection. Job had no idea why all these terrible things were allowed to happen, but he trusted the Lord and is a model for the patient endurance you are gonna need to pull you through all this. God always sends people to help you when you need it most. Your “warriors” are all also here with their own talents to bring you up when you need it most. We love you Julia and we’re here to support you when you feel so alone or miserable or unsure of your next step. We’re waiting with you. Praying for strength and the patience of job. ❤️
Love you too. ❤️
There are days it is just going to suck, you are going to hate it, you are going to be mad at the world and you will hate the waiting and being scared……it is all a real part of the process. Let yourself feel those things. It’s okay if you don’t call the insurance company today because today versus tomorrow versus 2 days from now won’t change their minds! Sit and binge your shows and breathe and just be – it is as real a part of taking care of yourself as is going to the doctors appointments and your chemo treatments. When the what if’s are getting out of control and the mental narrative is spinning, do what you do at work when its overwhelming and the shit is hitting the fan….focus on the task in front of you at this moment. What is the priority care here? If the answer is sitting down and hoping I don’t throw up then that’s what you focus on. You can only just keep putting one foot in front of the other and eventually you’ll get there! Sending strong energy your way.
Thank you so much for sharing!!! I love the work analogy and had to just focus on not puking or drinking water a few times today. It’s so helpful to see parallels that others see from my work translate to being a successful patient. It makes me feel like I’m not wasting away my career on cancer but just learning more to be better still. Thank you