How I Learned to Give Myself Grace

A newish, but dear non-cancer friend (aka “muggle”) said to me once when I was lamenting on getting more involved in the cancer community, “You kind of let cancer become your whole personality.” 

I highly doubt she remembers telling me that—it’s most likely not verbatim what she said. I have no idea if she knows the impact it had on me. But I think about that often. “You let cancer become your whole personality.”

When she first told me that I was so angry at her. For months, I was angry! Who was she to tell me this? She hadn’t been through it! She didn’t know me pre-cancer! She doesn’t know how much it’s changed who I am, to my core.

Cancer gave me the blessing of seeking out meaning in my life. Cancer pushed me to lead a healthier life. Cancer forced me to be more present and patient. Cancer led me to face past traumas head on, instead of seeking comfort and distraction in material things. Cancer has done so much to and for me. Cancer is and was important to me. 

Then again…maybe she did know something. Cancer didn’t force me to do anything. I could have remained unhealthy, eating a diet of bathtub trash food regularly and still smoking cigarettes, while telling the world I had quit. Cancer didn’t force me to seek therapy. Cancer didn’t lead me to find new hobbies and respark my love of old. 

I did those things, oftentimes in spite of cancer. I sought out a nutritionist to relearn that a diet of three meals, two snacks and water every day is what my body needs. I reached out to old friends—making plans and seeing them regularly again. I started to spend more time outside, even if it meant just sitting in the hammock or going for a walk around the block before my body gave out. I joined professional groups and made it my mission to get Oliver trained as a therapy dog. 

I did all those things. And I’ll keep doing even more things. Not because cancer forced me to, but because I chose to. I chose to find my way and forge my own path in this life. I chose to allow complicated emotions and feeling unwell to exist while still seeking joy. I chose a life well-lived and on my own terms. Not because of cancer, but because of me, for me, and for all those that love me. Because I want to show up in this life as the most authentic, healthiest and happiest version of myself. Those are my morals and values. On my best days, that is how I chose to show up and respond to life, not react. 

Which means It’s okay to have fun when I don’t feel the best. It’s okay to get out and explore while I was still in treatment or even after. When I’m no longer in active treatment, but still receiving care. It’s okay to forget cancer for a time and just be. It’s okay to have complicated co-existing emotions.

Surviving, coping, living… it’s an art, not an exact science. There will be ups and downs, triumphs and failures. And that’s okay. I must first figure out what’s most important to me. How do I want my life to look?

If I reflect on something and wish I made a different choice to align better with who I want to be, I give myself grace and try again. I apologize if it affected others, try to learn and commit it to my memory, and then move on to make different choices in the future. But I can’t grow without the perceived failures. Life is suffering and “failing,” but also joy if I show up to it. That’s the beautiful thing, I get to decide what my life is. Is it a constant state of sorrow and “poor me”? Or is my life one where complicated things coexist, where I chose to respond in ways that exemplify my own personal morals and values. 

I urge you to figure out your own morals and values, which can and should change and evolve over time. Then choose you today, dear warriors. Show up today by being acutely present, so that you can be responsive and not reactive. Be an active participant in your life. Don’t let life just happen to you. 

Choose to be authentically you in everything you do, even in the things you don’t love, like cancer treatment. Don’t let life and circumstance harden you or make you feel like you can’t. You can. It might be a harder path, one you didn’t imagine or want but you can do it.

Be magically you in every way today and every day warriors. If you slip up, it’s okay to fall back into the place of depression, grief, or whatever it is that holds you back and leads you to stray from what you believe in (let it be morals and/or values).

Please just remember give yourself grace to try again. Tomorrow’s a new day. The next hour, the next minute, the next second is fresh. Go have a magical day always, with or without cancer, and show up to your life. Make it what you want it to be, with all the twists and turns, by being present. Let life be and be you. And as always, have a magical day.