Radiation, Zap Zap

I have started and restarted this blog post so many times. I so desperately wanted to come to you all lovely warriors with good news and great attitudes. But that’s just not the case right now. I’m in the thick of it. And it’s taking a major toll. 

For radiation, I show up to the Med Center and park. Then I go to the Fred & Pamela Buffett Cancer Center to the 2nd floor. Tucked away in the back corner is radiation oncology. They have a little card I use to scan in. Then I change into a gown in the dressing room and wait for the tech to grab me to take me to the treatment area. They confirm my name and birthdate. I get on the machine and then go through 5 or 6 different fields, where the machine moves around me to provide radiation at different areas. Then I’m all done and off for my day. It all takes about 20 minutes.

I knew there would be some side effects such as skin changes, exhaustion and concerns of throat sores due to radiating all the way up my collar bone. I just was not prepared for how difficult these side effects would be.

Good news is my skin is holding up really well. I owe that to Dr. Wahl and his aggressive plan to start with steroid cream from the start. I’m only just starting to see any changes and you have to be in the exact right light to see them. 

What sucks is the exhaustion. It’s different than all the others. Maybe somewhat similar to chemo exhaustion. Sleep doesn’t really seem to affect it. I’m just tired all the time and things are difficult to get done. Dr. Wahl’s resident said that it wasn’t real sleepiness, but an immune response making me feel tired. Like okay, thanks my bro. Either way I’m tired and never feel really rested or up to do much.

The second hardest part of this is that the radiation is hitting my neck, which is where my esophagus is. It’s really sore. Every day I wake up and as the day goes on, it hurts more. Sticking to cold foods to swallow is how I’m eating. It hurts to talk, too. Just a crummy side effect that most breast cancer patients don’t have to experience, because IBC has a larger area to radiate. It leaves me feeling alone as most of my sorority sisters haven’t experienced this side effect.

The hardest part though is the mental mind game. There’s no measurement of if the radiation worked. It worked if I never get breast cancer again. So the real fear of reoccurrence is large. It’s also a mental game, because it’s every single day. Everyone in red scrubs. Just real ground hog day type stuff. And knowing that all these side effects will continue to get worse with each dose of radiation is a doozy too.

It sucks. It’s hard. It’s not fun. But in the end, it will be worth it. One more month of this and then it’s off to only managing it with pills. I’ve come this far, might as well keep going!