Round 3 Chemo Update

Chemo last Thursday went fine. If you remember, I documented it all on Tik-Tok and shared the videos here too. I hope you all enjoyed that—I enjoyed doing it. Lost all memory except getting fluids from Friday/Saturday, which I’ve learned to expect. Then this week hit me.

Sometimes Seeing is Believing

The cancer community warns newbies that this first chemo regimen I’m on called AC or the “red devil” has pretty annoying side effects that get progressively worse with each dose. I heard this from a lot of people. I comprehended this information, but I chose to blissfully be an ostrich with my head fully in the sand and convinced myself it wouldn’t be me. I thought I was going to be the zebra amongst horses and be a-okay! I’m young, I’m strong, I’m beautiful. Chemo doesn’t have sh*t on me! Are you shaking your head at my stubbornness yet?

Chemo does have sh*t on me. It has my full name, phone number, date of birth, address, mother’s maiden name and it’s coming for me like an extended car warranty. Chemo doesn’t give two sh*ts how old you are, who you are, what type of cancer you have. It just sucks. And the red devil is one of the worst. She’s the wicked witch of chemos and hates everyone equally. Had I of accepted this information from the jump I may have been more prepared for the last few days, but alas the trait that gives me strength, my stubbornness, also is a burden.

A Kind of Forced Recovery

Sunday and Monday I slept alot. Like go to bed at 6pm wake up at 7am a lot. I was frustrated that I missed messages and conversations. I wanted to do more, but I physically couldn’t. I was so drained. Imagine your worst hangover or flu, and that’s how I felt. I mostly had to stay in bed. Doing anything got me short of breath. There was no pushing through it like I was so used to when I worked overnights. My body simply wouldn’t allow it. My body was going to force me to rest one way or another. I’ve never experienced anything like that: being unable to have control over my own body. It still boggles my mind at how rough of shape I was in. There were no hacks, tricks or levels of caffeine to get my body to do what I wanted. It was rest—period. End of discussion that I didn’t want to listen to and was so mad about.

An Opportunity to Let Go

With a visit from Mitch’s mom Kim on Monday, I let go a bit and I finally accepted where I was. She did some light chores for us and walked the dogs. She didn’t think it was much, but it seriously helped so much. I was proud of myself for letting go and just resting. I thought maybe Tuesday and Wednesday would be better. I’d make some plans, get my mornings back and just keep chugging along. Guess I didn’t really accept it, huh?

Tuesday and Wednesday were rough. While I wasn’t as tired, I just felt miserable. I could literally feel the poison circulating in my veins. I was sluggish. I was bloated, but at the same time was hungry. My head started to hurt again, because my hair isn’t 100% out. I got super lost in my mind and emotions. It was just all around not a fun time.

Oh, the Emotions

The emotions of cancer and chemo are so complicated, but yet so simple. My oncology therapist says that we revert back to our inner child in traumatic situations like cancer. I can see that and it’s frustrating, because my inner child (“Baby J”) has always needed a lot of work. Baby J strives for perfection, to be the best, do better, be stronger, and not let anyone see you down. As noted above, chemo doesn’t really give you a choice in the matter. It strips that away pretty quickly and I’m left feeling raw, vulnerable and exposed. I had started inner child work before cancer, but I really didn’t want a damn collegian level course on it. Again, chemo and cancer don’t care. It’s their rodeo and I’m just hoping to stay on the bull, not get seriously injured or die.

A Whole Lot of Should

The feelings of inadequacy are hard. A lot of those damn “should” statements that help no one. I should be able to work. This shouldn’t have affected me so hard. I should be grateful I don’t have to work. I shouldn’t enjoy the fact that I’m not working. I shouldn’t miss work. I should seize the day and this precious time away, learning new things and growing. I shouldn’t just be surviving. I should be thriving and taking advantage of this time. I should be able to exercise. I should eat better. I should read that book. I should fill out more assistance applications. Should, should, should. It’s a dark and unfun merry-go-round that I could stay on forever if I let myself.

Good Ol’ Vitamin D

I finally decided I had to do something to start to feel better besides binge watching and sleeping. My sister suggested going outside and getting vitamin D. I literally made our whole little family go outside and I set a timer for ten minutes, and we just hung out. It did help start to bring me back to life, so I suggested we go to Lauritzen Gardens. I thought that heat and humidity of the green house would do me good and it did. It was much busier than I had expected it to be, but still very enjoyable. Even though it was a quick visit (under an hour), it did my mind so much good that it was 100% worth it. Everything doesn’t have to be so intense and all or nothing. Peace and calmness can come in increments and build over time. It’s all about giving myself grace and love.

Finally An Improvement

And that brings us to today. I woke up feeling 90% rested and happy which is a major improvement. I’m still bloated as heck but hopefully that will go down as the day progresses. We are taking the truck in for a repair on a mirror that was assaulted by the garage door later and then tonight picking up a traditional czech dinner of a half duck, dumplings and liver dumpling soup. It’s a new sunshiny day. Hopefully with this upcoming last cycle of the AC “red devil” chemo, I’ll remember some of this blog and give myself more space, time, energy and grace to heal. That’s all we can wish for in life, isn’t it? To grow in love and peace.

PS I would love if I got a plethora of snail mail between now and my 4th round of chemo next Thursday (April 22), plus the few days after. The cards, letters and kind words really keep me going and fighting. They have been known to turn my whole day around. If you don’t have our address just ask and help me fight this thing with joy. Maybe remind me to be kind to myself too. Thank you and fight on, my warriors.